Back, but not in the Saddle

Hello fellow Bloggers

It´s been SO long ago since my last post and I almost don´t know where to start, I´m totally out of the "blog-flow", but dude - I missed you all so much.

It´s been a hard time for me and it´s still not really over. I hope you all don´t mind me whining a bit, I just feel the need to explain why I haven´t been here for such a long time.

As many of you know I´m suffering from a disease that´s among other impacts specially triggered by heat. So, let´s talk about SUMMER...

My plan for this year was clear and simple: "Summer won´t beat me this time. I will walk through it with my chin up and make the best of it." Well, what can I say, I was never very good in making plans. I ultimately failed and this summer turned out being the worst of all since I have to deal with my condition.

I lost my battle in the first hot week already. My skin and my tissue flaired up big time and didn´t calm down for 6 weeks. I felt like someone poured a pot of boiling water over my body, was covered in hives and oedemas day by day including ongoing fever, nausea and vertigo. Imagine being like sun-struck for weeks. Within three days it spread into my joints and it turned really nasty. I couldn´t eat, I couldn´t sleep, I couldn´t move. My body didn´t manage to switch its natural "cooldown system" on anymore. And no break of this heat in sight..

My body - my temple? My body - my torture chamber. And no chance to escape.



In week two we desperatly tried to get an air condition. As most of my readers live in the US I have to mention - AC´s are not very common here in germany. It´s really hard to find one in general and even harder to find one that is affordable. My Dad and my Hubby were running through the stores - sold out, sold out, sold out. We spent another evening looking online for one. Again - SOLD OUT wherever we were looking. We checked shops in other countries and it was like jinxed - either they did not ship to germany or they had a delievery time of two months or even longer.
I was so much in pain and the moment I figured we won´t get an AC I just sat down on my bed and cried like a baby. I felt ashamed crying like a brat about something I wanted (NEEDED!) so bad but cannot have, but I couldn´t help - to realize that I would be helplessly surrendered to this heat that caused me so much pain suddenly totally broke my spine and all my hope.

I ended up spending six weeks in bed and on couch, surrounded by fans and the biggest moves I made where changing my icepacks, going to the bathroom and trying to get some food down. Once a day I granted myself a cool shower or a cool bathtub, what turned more exhausting with every day that passed, cause my energy was fading away more and more. My meds are giving me a bit relief of course, but the sideeffects unfortunately are draining like something else. The cortisone and antihistamines are causing water retentions, kick the guts and make so tired that sometimes it´s really a battle to stay wake.



I always tried to stay tuned and keep in touch with everyone over Facebook, but the last two weeks I more and more drifted in a lethargic state. I do not really know how to describe it. I just kind of seperated myself from my body and was spending my life with laying around, my eyes closed, trying to escape this misery by daydreaming or simply fled into sleep. That kind sleep you wake up even more exhausted from like you have been before already.

Short version: This summer is a MESS for me. It´s year five for me I have to deal with UF, but this summer is by far the worst since. It´s a battle I simply cannot win, no matter how hard I try.

5 days ago a wonder happened and it started to rain. Constantly. And I cannot tell HOW GRATEFUL I am. It was such a relief that I was sitting at the balcony at night and cried of happiness about the rain.

Seriously, what has my life come to? The former surfing summer-girl is spending the best days of the year in bed, all in pain and praying for rain..

You all usually know me as trying to be confident as good I can. But at the moment, I´m so sorry, I´m just SO exhausted and depressed. I´ve spent 6 weeks like in prison, didn´t take a step outside and this is just so devastating to me.

Monday I will get in touch with my doc to make a plan how to get halfway back in the saddle again. Please wish me luck, Guys. Actually I am glad if I can walk around a bit in my own home. I started cooking and cleaning the house again and hopefully I will pick up my brushes soon again as well. I miss painting so so so bad.
It helps me so much dealing with my stuff and if I can´t even paint anymore I feel completely lost.

My whole family is affected by my condition and this makes me sad the most. My Dad and his twinbrother celebrated their 71. birthday and I could not even join them on their special day, as I couldn´t leave the house. My parents were showing up at my home instead to bring me some cake and to look after me. My husband, my parents and my sibblings are taking so much care of me and it makes me so sad I´m causing them all so much worries.
My parents looked after us kids all their lifetime and now that they turn older I wished so much to give that back to them. It breaks my heart that now they have to deal with 35 year old "crippled" daughter that is causing them so much sorrow instead. I know they don´t mind - they are my parents and love me dearly. And I am so grateful being a part of such a caring and loving family.
But...you know..it just feels not right.

I´m 35. I want to GIVE and not to take.

Enough of whining now. Life must go on.
And I hope my next posts will be more positive again.
I thank you all for your time and all your support. Many of you sent me emails and well wishes. I thank you SO MUCH for that ♥

Until I can share some of my works again I will now take time to stroll around in all your wonderful and uplifting blogs. I noticed I missed so much the last weeks - you have all been so creative and "blogalicious" :)

I hope you are all well and in good spirits. I cannot wait to read all your news!

And - thank you all so much for listening.

Mahalo ~ Bettina